Change #1
"I can't let anyone know." to "I am not ashamed."
It's hard to let others know of
our problems. First, we can feel embarrassed
to admit that we don't have our lives together as well as (we
fantasize) they have theirs. Then, if our problems are lasting awhile,
we don't want others to get fed up with our complaints. Or, we might
explain what's bothering us only to have others say, "I don't get
it. I don't know what you mean." Or, worse yet, "What's the
big deal?" In addition, people can start giving us advice on how
to fix it and expect us to take action soon. Speaking to someone about
a problem doesn't mean that we are feeling courageous enough to try to
fix it. These possible reactions can be good reasons to keep our
problems to ourselves.
There are at least two other reasons to
be secretive when the problem is panic attacks. The first is the stigma
around mental health problems. Think how easy it is for
employees to call in sick because they have the flu, or even a
migraine headache. But who's willing to say, "I'm having a bout
of depression that's going to keep me out for a couple of days"?
You can tell your boss you have to miss that cross-country trip
tomorrow because your grandmother died. It takes more strength to
admit you are afraid of flying. A mental health problem can be seen as
a mark of disgrace.
Second, failure to control panic can
heighten our own feelings of shame and low self-esteem.
Not being able to travel in the same circles as our peers, or perform
tasks that seem so simple to others and were once simple for us --
it's easy to see how that wears down our self-worth. And as our sense
of self-worth diminishes, we become even more susceptible to the
influence of panic. For instance, if you believe you are not worth
much as a human being, then you will be less likely to try to help
yourself. If you believe that this panic simply reflects your lack of
basic skills necessary to cope with the world, then you will be less
likely to face the stressful events of your life.
I think it is best to address all of
these fears -- social embarrassment, lack of understanding, stigma --
by first addressing our beliefs about our own worth.
This will help us touch our guilt and shame, and any feelings of
personal inadequacy. I don't expect to do a complete makeover of your
personality in a few pages. However, I do want to instill in you the
attitude that you deserve to feel self-respect.
Panic requires that you work on
building up your self-worth, self-confidence and self-love,
because panic has the powerful ability to wear away at your
psychological vulnerabilities, to weaken your resolve. When you feel
you have to hide your problem, then every time panic arises, you will
begin to tighten up inside. You will try to contain it, not let it
spill out, not let it be seen. When you attempt to contain panic, it
grows. When you respect yourself, you can begin to make decisions
based on what will help you heal, not what will protect you from
others' scrutiny. When you make that change, you starve panic by
supporting yourself and letting others support you through this tough
time.
Look over this list and see whether any
of the statements reflect your negative beliefs about yourself:
- I am inferior to others.
- I'm not worth much.
- I'm disgusted with myself.
- I don't fit in with others.
- I'm just no good as a person.
- There's something wrong with me, or
inherently flawed about me.
- I'm weak. I should be stronger.
- I shouldn't be feeling this way.
- There's no reason for all this anxiety
I'm feeling.
- I shouldn't be having these crazy
thoughts.
- I should already be better.
- I'm hopeless.
- I've had this problem too long.
- I've tried everything; I'm not going
to improve.
- My problems are too ingrained.
Such self-critical attitudes support the
first stages of restricting our options. We start to limit the way we
act around others. If we feel as though we don't fit in, or that we
are not worth much to those around us, then we will tend to protect
ourselves from rejection. We will think of others first and
ourselves second:
- I can't tell anyone.
- I can't bother other people with my
problems.
- I have to take care of others.
- I can't let people see me this way.
- People won't think I'm OK if they know
I'm anxious.
- I must hide my anxiety, hold it all
in, not let anyone know my feelings, fight it.
This attitude section focuses on the
influences of our beliefs on our daily lives. These include the belief
that we are worthy of success and happiness and the belief that we
have a variety of positive choices available to us in our lives. These
are attitudes that help us solve problems. They are convictions that
affirm us.
An affirmation is a
positive thought that supports us as we move toward our desired goals.
Your greatest internal strength will come from the ways you affirm
your worth as a person. There are two kinds of
affirmations to explore. The first are beliefs concerning who
you are, and the second are beliefs about what you
need to do in this life to succeed. Consider the following
statements. How might you change your approach to your life if you
believed these words?
Accepting Who I Am
- I'm OK just the way I am.
- I am lovable and capable.
- I am an important person.
- I'm already a worthy person; I don't
have to prove myself.
- My feelings and needs are important.
- I deserve to be supported by those who
care about me.
- I deserve to be respected, nurtured
and cared for.
- I deserve to feel free and safe.
- I'm strong enough to handle whatever
comes along.
No one expects you to change a
long-standing attitude overnight. But if you can continue to reflect
on these attitudes until you begin to believe them, you will be on
your way to overcoming panic. Building up our sense of self-worth increases
our ability to confront the obstacles to our
freedom.
The second kind of affirmation has to do
with our expectations about how we must act around others. It reminds
us that we don't have to please everyone else and ignore our own wants
and needs, that we all get to make mistakes as we are learning, and
that we don't need to view every task as a test of our competence or
worth.
Supporting What I Do
- It's OK to say no to others.
- It's good for me to take time for
myself.
- It's OK to think about what I need.
- The more I get what I need, the more
I'll have to give others.
- I don't have to take care of everyone
else.
- I don't have to be perfect to be
loved.
- I can make mistakes and still be OK.
- Everything is practice; I don't have
to test myself.
- I am not ashamed.
These attitudes give us permission to
take the time we need to feel healthy, rested and excited about life.
They insulate us against the paralyzing poison of shame.
Explore what obstacles stand in the way
of these affirmations for you. Sometimes discussing these issues
with a close friend or a self-help group will help. Other times the
causes of these blocks are not so clear or easily removed. If you feel
stuck, consider turning to a mental health professional for insight
and guidance.
Once you address those issues that block
your willingness to support yourself, then pay attention to these
affirmations. Find ways to accept these kinds of statements, then let
your actions reflect these beliefs. (You may have to begin by
acting as though you believe them -- even
when you don't -- before you discover how well they will serve you.)
In addition to the support of friends and a mental health
professional, look for courses in your community on assertiveness
training. Such course teach you how to turn your positive beliefs into
actions.
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