Change #2
"Panic is evil, bad, the enemy" to "What can I
learn as a student of panic?"
Who wouldn't be angry and rejecting
toward something that produces such chaos in your life? Seeing panic
as the enemy is a natural response. I assume that up to now that you
have had plenty of practice viewing panic as the villain. Now try
something new -- consider panic your teacher.
The martial arts, developed in Asia,
teach self-discipline, physical combat technique and a philosophy, or
attitude, about life. All but one are ancient schools. Aikido, a
twentieth-century martial art based on love and dedicated to peace,
puts a different spin on the art of self-defense. And "spin"
is an appropriate expression. In the western world, we use boxing as
the prototype for fighting. If someone punches, you punch back. You
meet force with opposing force. On the other hand, the traditional
martial arts axiom is "push when pulled and pull when
pushed."
As the attacker approaches you to push or
punch, you learn to grab the forward moving hand and pull it. You
don't oppose the challenger with equal force. You take the attacker's
movement and energy and use it against him. As he pushes, you pull him
past you and onto the ground, for instance.
In Aikido the axiom "push when
pulled and pull when pushed" becomes "turn when
pushed and enter when pulled." You accept, join and move
with the challenger's energy flow in the direction it is going. You
offer nothing for the challenger to resist. You turn and spin with the
attacker instead of moving past him.
Imagine teaching an American the art of
Aikido. It requires sincerely welcoming the attack
and struggle, truly understanding the
attacker's intentions, loving the attacker. The
moment the challenger begins to approach with an attack, the Aikido
student shifts her position. She stands with open arms and open palms,
"welcoming" the challenger. (If you try it for a moment --
holding your arms out by your side with your palms open in front --
you can notice how vulnerable you feel.)
I will leave the details of other Aikido
moves to the masters. It is the basic attitude that I want to address.
The attitudinal stance in Aikido is that each challenge is an
opportunity to learn and practice, not something dangerous or
frightening. The student views the challenge as a gift of energy, a
creative system of joining rather than one of conflict. This view
eliminates the notion of "enemy."
Welcoming Panic
Let's apply this to your relationship
with panic. First of all, please know that I realize how frightening a
panic attack is. You can't simply "relax" in the face of
panic, because your body is flowing with adrenaline-produced anxiety.
This is a given: you begin with the normal human reaction of fear.
What we are doing with this attitude shift is taking that
state of fear and changing it. We are moving from
an automatic reaction toward a designed
reaction, one that brings you freedom and personal choice. The way we
will change fear is by adding something to it, not by
taking your fear away.
As you enter that restaurant, drive
across that bridge, sit down in the middle aisle at the movies, or
walk up to that group at the party, be curious about your anxiety. How
is it expressing itself right now? What is it inviting you to be
afraid of? What skills is it encouraging you to practice at this
moment?
If you suffer from panic attacks, your
best stance will be, "Panic, anxiety, you have something to teach
me. What is it? Help me understand myself."
Perhaps, over time, panic will teach you
to stand up for yourself and be more assertive. Maybe it will lead you
to be more self-revealing and vulnerable around those who love you. Or
it might help you express your deeper desires for what is important in
life, to take you out of the trap of playing the role of good mother,
wife, employee. While I don't know what you, in particular, will
learn, I do know that every student learns
once she focuses on her desire to
learn.
I am not saying that panic always
comes into people's lives because they are missing some basic learning
(although sometimes it does). Taking the stance of a student who truly
wants to learn is a way to stop taking a resistant
stance toward panic. The focus of our attention right now is
how to get better. Choose to become a student of panic because it is
the attitude that best moves you toward health. If you are paying
attention to how you can learn from panic, then you will stop
fighting against panic. As you reduce your fear and
defensiveness, you influence the entire dynamic of your relationship
with panic, and it can no longer rule your body.
Later, I'll teach you a specific
skill that uses this paradoxical stance.
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