Change #8
"This had better work." to "It's OK if it
doesn't work."
Thinking out loud with Camille helped me
put a bigger piece of the puzzle together.
Camille N. called me from Florida four
years ago. She said she had suffered from panic attacks for many years
and found the first edition of Don't
Panic in the library last year. She was wondering if, on her
trip back to New York in a month, she could stop in for a
consultation. We set up the appointment, and Camille arrived as
scheduled.
Camille, it turns out, was similar to
many of the people who see me from out of state. She was an impeccable
student of the techniques. She practiced formal relaxation
daily. She had her breathing skills down pat. She planned her practice
sessions into the anxiety provoking situations and knew the most
supportive self-talk during panicky times.
But she kept having trouble.
"Like last week, for instance . . .
I was driving down the boulevard about 4:30, and the traffic was
moderate. I needed to take a left so at the stop light I moved over
into the turn lane, three lanes from the right curb, and pulled up
behind four cars. Immediately three more cars pulled in behind me and
the other two lanes filled with traffic. These lights are notoriously
slow, and I've always hated getting trapped like that.
"When I felt my stomach get tense, I
knew I had to work with my skills. First I reassured myself
that I could handle this. If I needed to, I could even get out of the
car, leave it right there at the light. I took a nice big
Calming Breath, then started Natural Breathing. I dropped my
hands from the steering wheel and let them relax in
my lap. Nothing seemed to help!"
Outwardly I was attentive and positive,
but inwardly I was frustrated, thinking, "Why?
Why wasn't that helping? That should be working!" I felt like the
Wizard of Oz. This woman has driven so far in anticipation of this
specifically arranged meeting with the expert that wrote the book she
depends on to get her well. Now, here we are, face to face, and I'm
about to say, "Hmm, I'm not sure what else to suggest."
I'd love to say, "Then it dawned on
me . . . ." In reality it took another thirty minutes of struggle
to see the new opening. Both Camille and I were making the same error,
and you can see it in our self-talk. She says, "Nothing seemed to
help!" I said, "Why wasn't that helping? That should be
working!" Despite all our combined years of study, we were
unknowingly committing a basic mistake. Our immediate
goal was for Camille to stop being anxious. We thought if she applied
enough technique -- handle your negative talk, get your breathing
straight, be willing to tolerate symptoms, wait -- she would get
"results" of diminished anxiety.
What's wrong with that?, you say.
Here's the answer, which may be tough to
accept. While the long-term goal is to diminish your anxiety, the
immediate goal is to continually monitor your attitude -- to accept
exactly what you are experiencing, as you experience it. As
soon as you say, "This had better work," you are moving
against this important task. It is fine to observe, study and learn
from your current experience, but don't declare that your feelings
must change on demand. Our bodies and minds simply don't work that
way.
This is paradox in its
purest form. The attitude to aim for is, "It's OK that I'm
anxious right now. I'm also going to fool around with getting rid of
this anxiety. I'm going to try every trick and gimmick I know. I'm
going to apply all my concentration, my tenacity, and my commitment to
the task of getting rid of this anxiety. I'm going to use what I
believe is the best combination of skills and attitudes for this
specific type of anxiety. If it works, that'll be great.
And if it doesn't work -- if I'm still anxious -- that'll
be OK too."
This is the attitude that even the best
students of panic tend to miss. You must step up onto the
platform of acceptance. Apply your skills from there.
Maintain that stance through all the good and bad responses you get to
your skills. And end up standing there in the end -- accepting exactly
what you are experiencing -- regardless of the outcome.
The most important distinction here is
that this position -- "It's OK if it doesn't work out" -- is
not about passive resignation to the status quo.
It is not surrendering to the fact that, "you
have panic attacks and you better get used to it." Instead, it is
a part of an active, dynamic process of healing. Consider this
attitude as though it is a technique that you apply throughout the
moments you are either anticipating or having trouble. When you say,
"This had better work," you are testing yourself and you
will respond by emotionally and physically tightening up. When you
tighten up, you feed panic. By saying, "It's OK if it doesn't
work," you pull yourself out of this testing environment. Crazy
as it sounds, this action of removing the demand for success
actually increases the likelihood of your success.
Someone once said that if you want to hit
the bull's eye every time, throw the dart first and then draw
circles around it. Say "yes" to every experience; that's
where you start. There will be plenty of hardships coming your way
before the final curtain. You might as well get on friendly terms with
them. Say "yes" to them when they arrive. Then
begin to manipulate them actively and creatively. The
fear of being trapped is a common concern for people with panic.
Freedom comes by saying "yes" to whatever trap life puts you
in, then doing something to get yourself out. Any time one of your
attempts fails, begin immediately to do the really hard work: accept
that you are still stuck in discomfort. Take time to complete that
task -- of accepting the dissatisfying outcome -- first. Then
re-double your efforts to change that outcome next time.
Summary - Eight Attitudes
These eight attitudes are not simply
philosophical underpinnings. They are active workhorses
in your healing process. Think of attitudes in a new way; think of
them as technique.
To find out their benefits for you, don't
wait until you are having a panic attack. Write these eight statements
on an index card and carry them with you throughout the day. Pull
them out when you're feeling uncomfortable and stuck.
Use them to influence what you do (or don't do) next. That's
a good way to begin to learn of their benefits. It is also consistent
with the metaphor of inoculation: you start by learning to accept a
small amount of discomfort, and build your confidence on that
experience. Nobody learns to drive by entering the Indianapolis 500. A
much easier place to begin is the mall parking lot on Sunday morning,
with your supportive parent sitting next to you. Master these
attitudes gradually by giving them a chance in lower risk
situations. Then gradually turn your attention to those panic-provoking
situations.
Who knows . . . maybe these are the only
"techniques" you'll need.
|
